Molokai

These are the basic principles of Chaotic Ad Writing as taught by Wizard Academy:

1. Approach your subject from an unexpected angle.

2. Tell two stories at once, using the relationship between two things as a pattern to reveal the relationship between two other things.

3. Allow the listener to arrive at their own conclusion.

In the New Testament, stories like these are known as parables.

This is the challenge we outlined in last week’s Monday Morning Memo:

STEP ONE: I have chosen the word “Molokai” to be our unexpected beginning.

STEP TWO: Send indy@WizardOfAds.com a link to the website of a product or service for which an ad could not possibly begin with the word “Molokai.”

STEP THREE: I will randomly select five of these products or services and write a fascinating ad for each of them beginning with the word, “Molokai.”

STEP FOUR: These five ads will be published in next week’s Monday Morning Memo.

DISCLOSURE: When I promised I would “randomly select” 5 products or services for which I would write an ad beginning with Molokai, I hadn’t yet decided how I was going to do that. In the end, I just told Indy to give me the first 5 emails he received. These were from

Jay Leigeber at 1:25AM,

Malton Schexneider at 3:24AM,

Pauline Tom at 3:51AM,

Damien Deighan at 4:08AM, and

TSO at 4:39AM, but this was an email to Indy for a “Molokai Beach Face Mask,” from John at TSO, so it was sort of like, “Interesting coincidence, huh?” So I figured I would take the next one,

Bryan Eisenberg at 5:18AM, but Bryan is a close friend and that would look suspicious, so I disqualified him and went with 

Wendy Gardner at 5:53AM.

A few more emails trickled in during the next 30 minutes, then at 6:25AM Jason Fox opened the floodgates and Indy Beagle feared he would be swept away.

Are you ready to read some ads?

Jay Leigeber was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:

Molokai. The most Hawaiian of the Hawaiian islands. Warm, wonderful, Molokai.

For a one-time payment of just a hundred and twenty-nine dollars…

Tushy will take you to Molokai every day…

and bring you home, relaxed… refreshed… and feeling oh, so fine.

The Tushy Spa warm water bidet attachment will fit any toilet…

in any home… and take you to warm, wonderful Molokai whenever…you want…. to go.

HelloTushy dot com.

Malton Schexneider was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:

Molokai is the wonderful island where the Hawaiians sent their people when they had a painful, debilitating condition. If you experience back pain, you know debilitating pain. Will you let us help you? Our free report on Eliminating and Preventing Back Pain will be your own private, Molokai, where you can find relief, and health, and experience happiness once again. Molokai awaits you at Back Pain Relief Secrets dot com.

[That ad was completely true, by the way. Molokai housed Hawaii’s leper colony for more than 100 years. – Indy Beagle]

Pauline Tom was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:

Molokai. That untouched Hawaiian island, is HOME to the world’s most beautiful birds. But there is one bird in your own backyard that is smart… and wise… and beautiful enough to be the pride of Molokai, and it needs a home, too. Will you give your Bluebird a fabulous, custom home where it can be safe and happy? Just 25 dollars at Texas Bluebird Society dot org.

Damien Deighan was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:

Molokai is the island where everything is simple… straightforward… uncomplicated. If you’re looking for a simple, straightforward, uncomplicated way to find the data scientists your company needs, visit data science talent dot co dot uk, the Molokai of data science. Last year we filled 91.6 percent of all requests with the picture-perfect candidate. Simple, straightforward, uncomplicated… data science talent dot co dot uk. Aloha.

Wendy Gardner was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:

Molokai. Five hundred visitors travel to Hawaii, but the one who goes home with a life-changing smile is that one visitor who finds marvelous, magnificent, Molokai. BaxterBoo dog goggles are like that. Five hundred dogs wag their tails but the dog that makes you smile is that one dog who is wearing marvelous… magnificent… BaxterBoo dog goggles. BaxterBoo dot com. Visit us.

[Wait a minute! A few hours after the wizard wrote those five ads, an email from Bob Jones suddenly appeared and it was time-stamped at 2:39AM! I guess it got hung up somewhere along the way, so I asked the wizard to write one last ad. – Indy Beagle]

Molokai. The unspoiled island. Pure water. Fresh Air. Nature at its most natural. Aquaza brings the health and freshness of Molokai to crowded dairy farms, poultry farms, and industrial greenhouses. Aquaza means healthy dairy cows, happy laying hens, robust roses and vibrant vegetables with thicker, stronger roots. Aquaza… the health of an unspoiled island, whenever… and wherever… you need it. Aquaza dot com

Right now you’re probably thinking that it must easy to tie “Molokai” to any kind of product or service. But the truth is that we could easily have opened our ads with “King Darius of Persia was defeated by Alexander the Great,” or “Nazis were Not What They Pretended to Be,” or “Wonderland Just isn’t the Same Without Alice.”

The word “Molokai” isn’t magic. The magic is found in the fact that, “everything in the universe is connected, of course. It’s just a matter of using imagination to discover the links, and language to expand and enliven them.”

Roy H. Williams